Even the bartender felt bad for me
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize