have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
