ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
