Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
