well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize