I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
