I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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