How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
