Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
