I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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