you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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