I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Someone shattered a urinal.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
