I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
