For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
