So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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