and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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