My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
