im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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