Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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