we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
