I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
