i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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