are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
