Who wears a wallet chain?!
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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