I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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