I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
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