Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
