I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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