Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize