my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
