the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
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