You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize