I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
