If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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