I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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