my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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