Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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