I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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