So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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