Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
