the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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