Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
