Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
