I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
