I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
