Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
