i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
