omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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