I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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