a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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