This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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