Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
