Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
