the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Randomize