Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Randomize
