my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
