The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
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