YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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